Ramblings of a 30 something

Kids.

2008-09-24T23:00:00.002+09:00

I love kids who can't pronounce things clearly. My current favorite kid is at E's hoikuen. He can't pronounce the "-sei" sound for "sensei", which makes it even more funny that his name is Taisei.

So instead of calling me sensei (teacher), he calls me shensei. He calls himself Taishei.

Cute!

E has been giving me back a fair number of things recently that I've said to her. She is always wondering where our neighbor is, what he might be doing, why he's where he is. I have often responded that I don't know where he is and that it's not really my business to keep up with him. I guess it should come as no surprise when I asked her something that I don't really even recall and she answered, "It's not your business."

At times endearing and at times heartbreaking, she says what she thinks. When we've been out and she's tired, she will often ask for her binky when we get in the car. Some time ago she was still permitted to use her binky when we drove, but those days are gone. When the question is asked, I know that I'm in for a spate of tears when I tell her that I don't have it--it's at home. And, I respond with nervous/tired laughter when I tell her this as I try to brace myself for her response.

This past weekend we had been out for some time. The usual question reared its head when it was time to set out for home. I calmly said that I didn't have it and that we don't use it for riding in the car anymore. I expected tears, protests, and lots of whining. In return I heard, "Thank you for not laughing at me."

What can you say when your heart is in your throat?

Hate to ruin the surprise....

2008-09-02T22:35:00.002+09:00

Currently in the postal system are pics to my parents from E's pics for Shichi-Go-San While the date is not observed until November, we've been seeing ads for some time about getting pictures done. I was itching to do it because

a) my daughter is lovely
b) I can live out my fantasy to dress up through her
c) it needs to be done, and why do it under duress if you don't have to?

Feast your eyes on my 3 year old!

First day back at school.

2008-09-02T21:46:00.002+09:00

Today was my first day back teaching at my regular job. I was substituting today for a teacher who hasn't returned from holidays yet, and it was my first time with these particular students: 3 little girls, aged 4.

I realized how incredibly rusty I was and my Japanese team teacher did a lot (read MOST) of the teaching today. I had gotten their snack together and asked about what song we needed to sing before we ate. I started in on a song and I realized part of the way through that that wasn't it. So, it was a game then of making up songs until the light bulb would eventually dawn in my brain. I kept asking, "Are you sure that's not it?" as I tried to recall what we did sing. Eventually it came to me. All's well that ends well.

Now I'm trying to sort out what I'm doing at E's daycare for tomorrow's classes. With school back in session, I should have my normal number of kids there and all classes rather than combining the two older classes because so many of the kids have been away. Slowly it will come to me....any recommendations for a website with a dismembered teddy bear so that I don't have to make my own?

Trading up.

2008-08-25T10:11:00.003+09:00

Recently E has started a lot of sentences with, "When I get bigger, I'm gonna....." It might be that she's going to eat spicy curry rice, drive a car, or grow big breasts.

The funniest one lately was in regards to trying to give her an incentive to giving up her pacifier. I told her that maybe we could think of something that she'd like to trade for her binky, trying the replacement tack with negotiations. She said that when she got bigger she'd trade her binky.

So, when I pressed further about what concrete thing I might be able to trade with her, then came her response:

"When I get bigger, I'm gonna trade my binky for a BIG BINKY. A HUGE (pronounced hooj) BINKY!"

Unscheduled Fun.

2008-08-21T16:29:00.002+09:00

Today was a day that I had many thoughts of how to fill. However, the idea of filling up the day and being productive or whatever didn't win out. Since I am living in Japan and my friends and family are all 13 hours behind me, mornings are usually the only time that I can make those vital connections. Yes, I could have gone to see my doctor for a prescription refill that is not especially dire at the moment on his Thursday in the office. But, I wanted to call a friend, and so I did.

Life is not always planned or scripted. Yes, we all have things that need to be done and even jobs (gasp!) that require us to show up at certain times and to be available to only them. I often spend far too much time trying to make life efficient or figuring out the best schedule to accomplish many things in the least amount of time or mileage. For all that time spent, I have yet to ever feel that I've really mastered it.

Recently I was talking with a mom from playgroup, and she was asking me about how much I worked and when. I confessed that I often worried about the timing and how E misses out on naps on those days and we end up in tears and screams while I'm trying to get dinner ready. Between that and thinking about preschool starting next year, I often wonder if I've done/am doing the right thing. She told me that like her, I think too much. Now, while things could have gone downhill quickly, and I could have uttered that oft fatigued phrase, "You don't know me!", you can't deny it.

I often wonder if a study could be performed on my DNA, how much more closely related I am to cows than the average human. Something in my ruminations absolutely feels bovine at times. The ability to stand and stare while chewing on something over and over, or alternately in my case- sit and stare- gives me pause. Some people I admire for their ability to get stuff done. And by stuff, I mean, it seems that they can cram an entire week's worth of life in one day. I, on the other hand, am feeling pretty impressed that I had a phone call, laundry, and have aired out the futons today. I took E to the agricultural center where we took along some sandwiches for lunch and checked out some animals. As I type, E is napping and I've got curry on the stove for tonight's dinner. And, I want to say, "See! I'm not such a loser! Yes, I spent far too much time wondering how to use up lots of veggies and am wondering what to make for tomorrow night's dinner, but hey, I'm functioning!" I was able to break out of my ruminations long enough to MOVE and do something, anything.

So, yes, I do think too much. I am thinking about the resume I updated last night and the cover letter I drafted. Yet another painful task for me to see my paltry set of experiences pasted on a standard size of paper, wondering if I can sell myself to someone having an off day. I think there must be a place for me....somewhere. But, despite my hesitations, reservations, and ruminations, I was able to experience the wonder of newly hatched chicks at the agricultural center and tried to impart some of that wonder to my daughter. Watching the chicks- wet, eyes closed, and stumbling- it was peaceful. Other eggs on exhibit showed signs of their inhabitant's efforts to get on with their living. I peered in close to watch an egg with a small hole begin to futher deteriorate as its shell was being outgrown. E can't have the patience to stay around and watch the progress, but I flung a small wish heavenward hoping that the chick would be strong enough to endure that process and then the beaks of it's roommates in the bin.

Rumination replaced by wonder, if only for a short time....it was a good day.

Summer Festival

2008-08-19T15:00:00.001+09:00

We attended a summer festival about a week ago. E is usually quite the kid who loves to dance, but she just couldn't seem to get involved with the dancing going on there.

Dreams Deferred.

2008-08-04T14:04:00.002+09:00

I recall this poem by Langston Hughes, and I am thinking a little more about it in relation to my own life. And, I'm thinking of my big brother who is embarking on a goal in life that he's making a reality.

A Dream Deferred by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore-- And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

Tantrums.

2008-08-03T16:14:00.002+09:00

If I were a 3 year old, I would be put in time out. I have been having a whole series of "I hate Japan/my life/my limitations/my English teaching suckiness" days. Naps help, but I wake up to find my life exactly as it was, and I'm not really sure what to do about it.

I want to alternately scream and cry and then find a way to get a life. The getting a life part seems especially hard for me. But, having a nap and putting off preparing for what little work I'm doing this summer is not really helping.

Save me!

More books for thought.

2008-08-02T00:26:00.003+09:00

I'm reading how many books at once at the moment? 3 or more, I think. Can I keep them straight? Not really, but they are all things that I want to read at the moment.

Women and Money: Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny by Suze Orman

As I'm trying to streamline our finances and get all things in order on paper and in files, this is very helpful. It's made me actually look at the percentage rates of our accounts and see how little they're making. Next step is to wiggle things around and get the money in accounts that are actually yielding something more.

12 Simple Secrets Real Moms Know by Michele Borba

Sort of written in response to Perfect Madness where the moms all seem to be running around at the speed of sound trying to give their child every opportunity. I'm not so far in at the moment, but it resonates with me about focusing on what is important and not falling under the spell of what every other kid is doing.

Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert

Enlightening but not self-help and speaks about happiness and how our brains work to seek it/predict it.

What are you reading?

The Great Outdoors.

2008-07-28T15:21:00.001+09:00

E and her tree that we dubbed a giraffe.

Why do we live in the city?

2008-07-28T15:20:00.000+09:00

Summertime.

2008-07-28T15:11:00.002+09:00

"When I was young," the tale normally starts, "we didn't do X because of (insert wildly exagerated hardship)."

It's summertime, and I don't want to think about what needs to be done or what should be done or what has to be done. I want something easy like summer vacation from school. While my memory of school summer vacation fails, I'm sure I complained of being bored or some other terrible malady that my mom must have had to hear. As an adult, I like to think of summertime as the time to throw off obligations, to recharge, to think about what you want, or to just not think and have fun.

This past weekend we met up with another family outside of the heat and humidity of our area and joined them on their own turf. Cooler temperatures in the mountains with the sound of water running by was our oasis. Driving hairpin turns where the mirrors at the corner that are supposed to give you a view of what's around the bend only reflect an image of the rock that you are driving around, well, let's just say that I was partially grateful for being in the passenger seat. If I had to listen to my backseat driving I'd be mental.

We had a nice time though back for a second time in Kamikochi. Much better weather and beautiful views of the mountains and the water....

Befuddled.

2008-06-16T18:27:00.002+09:00

So, I'm a bit surprised at myself. After posting my last blog about wanting IRL friends, my daughter woke up from her nap. After a snack and hearing a boy from downstairs outside playing, she wanted to go out. I noticed a couple other moms out and about, but I really just did not want to go.

What gives? What about IRL friends? Sometimes I don't mind going outside, but I wish I could first put on my invisibility cloak. I don't want to have to make conversation when it's so painfully apparent that my conversation doesn't measure up for 3-5 year olds. I came away from Japanese class today just wondering what I had spent the last 90 minutes doing.

I'd like to believe that it's all language related, but some of it is just that I'd like to be outside of my apartment and yet in a private domain. That does not exist. I don't know if we lived in a house if that would be the case or not, but I like to tell myself that I could do whatever I liked in my own yard without having to make chit chat.

I am a study in contrasts.

IRL.

2008-06-16T15:21:00.002+09:00

IRL, in real life.

I spend far more time on the computer than I wish to. I feel like I am often sitting down, and hours later (with bits snatched here and there) I emerge with no real communication achieved or information learned. I shudder to think how much time is spent in front of it.

I am wanting more friends IRL than online. I can't seem to keep up with my friends IRL, so what makes me think I can be a friend to someone online? Is it because expectations are vastly different? I don't know. I just feel a bit disconnected, and I feel like my inbox taunts me with all the information that arrives each day. Some of it is useful, some of it is information, and very little of it is real communication.

I'm trying to figure out what it means for me. I seem to have something on my calendar for each day of the week. With a small child, I feel that I cannot traipse from one event after another in the course of a day. I do it at times, and I feel the effects of a missed nap. And, if I do something out with someone, then other things have to fall by the wayside as a result. I was hoping for a more laid back week, after this week, I told myself. Just push yourself through to next week, and life will slow down. No, it doesn't happen, without me putting on the brakes and having to say "no".

"I'd really like to get together with you, but I'm busy this week. Next week I'm free on Friday. How about that?"

"No, okay, well the following week I'm free on Tuesday and Friday," blundering around trying to make myself more available.

Does it feel like a blow off to the other person when we have to schedule so many weeks in advance? On the other hand, I feel like I'm blowing off myself when I schedule so much that naps are missed. The tantrums begin and I look forward to bedtime with a hint of remorse that I've missed my daughter in the course of the day and what she needs.

Maybe I'll figure out the balance IRL.

Lack of Acceptance.

2008-06-09T18:48:00.002+09:00

Recently I've found myself in many a funk, and the central issue is my lack of acceptance of reality. While I would like to hide away, isolate myself from others while I hunker down and try to wrangle out an appropriate response, believing that no one else feels the way that I do or would understand or perhaps it's a personality fault that would be cured with a little more faith or a little less critical thinking on my part, all of those coping mechanisms fail. Why? Because slowly I am realizing that it is the human state.

I've recently been reading a book of essays and Johnathon Franzen writes about his experience growing up with the Peanuts comic strips. He relates that he learned about disillusionment from Charlie Brown when he was spurned by the little red-haired girl. He is sitting with Snoopy and says that he wishes he had two ponies so that he and the little red haired girl can go for a ride together. After some thought, he looks at Snoopy and demands, "Why aren't you two ponies?"

While my rendering lacks Franzen's eloquence, it seems to be the way that I relate to various issues in my life. Why can't my spouse be more communicative? Why doesn't my work fill me with confidence? Why can't I make that leap into a new level of Japanese language? Why? Why? Why?

I've been reading another book some nights before my eyes give out on me and the book falls, whacking me on the nose and forcing me awake. In it the author writes about simply letting go and accepting people and situations for what they are. While it is a simple solution, he states that obviously it is not a simple task. But, what do we gain by weighing in on our judgment of situations? Does it change anything? Do complaints, arguments, or obstinance change persons or situations?

Food for thought.

Uninvolved Fathers.

2008-05-16T03:54:00.002+09:00

While it may not be seen exactly the same throughout the world, I think there is a view that Japanese fathers are largely uninvolved. Uninvolved at least by Western standards meaning that perhaps they serve as chief financier but leave all of the particulars to their spouse and other formative people in their child's life.

While much of that is believed as truth, and in some cases I can see it's truth, it is not the whole picture. Each weekend whenever we are out, we see countless fathers out with their kids alone having lunch or playing at the nearby park. I always wonder if it's simply a break for Mom, or if it's "If you want this living space to look like something other than a disaster zone, you will take them out and leave me to clean."

A couple weekends ago we were at the park together, and a father was there with his two kids. One I estimated to be possibly 18 months, not much older. He was pushing his daughter on the swing next to E and was being called away from time to time by his older child. When his daughter slowed almost to a stop, I started to crank her up again. He came rushing back, apologizing and thanking me all at the same time. F was in front of E pretending to try to catch her as she swung up "high in the sky". I noticed the little girl's head looking down and wondered if she might be getting sleepy. The dad came back over, slowed her to a stop, and removed his sleeping daughter from the swing. He told F that she often falls asleep on the swing, so it wasn't like it was a one off.

I've just started teaching English classes as E's daycare, and I was granted a back stage pass to the view from the teacher's side. I always would like to creep up to the window and peer in without E knowing that I am there to get a look at how and what she's doing there. Things change when your child knows you're on the premises. It's sort of comforting to see that they are able to adjust happily to the outside world.

On Wednesday, the first day of my teaching there, I looked out the window of my room to the entranceway of the daycare. There I saw a dad in a suit come to pick up his child. Notable at first, a father is there before 6 pm, I daresay even 5:30. Next I noticed the broad smile on his face as he had caught sight of his child playing. And, finally, the cherry on top, I see him launch into a wild jumping jack style wave trying to catch the attention of his child who had obviously not seen him first. It was sweet, endearing, and oh so very human in a place that sometimes feels rather emotionally stunted. It still brings a smile.

A Day Well Spent.

2008-04-25T15:18:00.004+09:00

Today we met up at the park with a friend and her son. My friend recently returned from Poland where she spent about 2 months with her family. She sounded quite happy with her time at home, and she is starting to settle back into her life here.

The park was full of 4th graders today who were enjoying a day out of the classroom. Their teachers were there, of course, but they were free to play however they wished. Fortunately, they took an interest to E and K, and G and I had time to chat. While it's a little frustrating to see 4th graders trying to carry around our kids, and wondering if they could carry someone more than half their weight, they seemed quite happy to play with little kids. They just wanted to play and try to be big brother or sister to them.

Here are a few pictures from today's outing.

The Nearly Naked Chef.

2008-04-24T20:28:00.002+09:00

Someone really likes helping me make things in the kitchen. Recently she's operating the food processor for me, mixing, or eating bits that I'm chopping. She also enjoys washing dishes which I have to "accidentally" spill something on and have to re-wash them after she's moved away from the sink. Good times.

Illness II

2008-04-24T20:15:00.002+09:00

I have a cough that's been keeping me up at night. Yesterday I broke down and went to the doctor seeing as how I am off to Switzerland in less than a week. I didn't want to have to stand in the drugstore and try to guess as to what might be good and listen to the drugstore's recommendations.

Medicine I wanted, and medicine I got. When the doctor checked me out she said it was a cold, which is just as I expected. She told me she'd give me 5 medicines and a breathing treatment to go on. I inhaled the moist oxygen with E by my side. A woman of ninety came struggling in under her own steam and laid down on a bed in the treatment room with me. The doctor was walking through and told me the lady was 90. Her daughter or daughter-in-law sat at her side while the old woman laid down, shaking. Parkinson's, I wondered. It was sort of a shock to me in the room that smelled of sour sweat. After I finished my breating treatment, out to the lobby I went while they prepared my drugs.

I left there with 7 medicines. Usually I google the names in order to learn what it is that I'm given, but I didn't bother this time. One is supposed to make the phlegm a little thinner, and that's about all that I know. I could look up the rest, but why bother. I took my 4 pills with dinner along with liquid syrup and am starting to feel a little warm and sleepy at this point.

It's been a long time since I've had a bout of laryngitis, 12 years or more, best I can remember. And, a gnawing pain in my side has returned from about a 10 year absence as well. While it might be triggered by the volume of medicine that I'm taking, I'm suspecting it has more to do with the amount of things I seem to have myself caught up in and am stressing over.

Dinner has been eaten. E fell asleep on the way home from daycare. And, F is still working at 8:30. I'm watching Dr. Zhivago as I type and am thinking about calling it a day just because I can. The dishwasher is going, and a pile of laundry needs ironing, but we'll see. I think I'll take out the contacts and lay on the floor in front of the tv. Lots more things need doing, but I am but one mortal.

Illness.

2008-04-16T13:25:00.002+09:00

E appears to have hand-foot-mouth disease. Quite an uncomfortable condition at the moment, but she's happily esconced in front of the tv watching the same Playhouse Disney programs that we watched earlier this morning. It will probably be a day spent like yesterday: watching tv and doing whatever she feels like doing just to try to minimize the discomfort.

Last night I started with a fever of my own. At first I thought it was the glass of wine I had that had me feeling off. But, as my mind started racing and I generally felt unwell, I checked the temperature and it was elevated. So, I started thinking about what that would mean for class on Thursday and decided that I'd have to work regardless. And, I'm basically right as rain this morning except for feeling like I have a cold starting. No problem.

E will be going to her grandparents' house tomorrow instead of daycare while I work. I do not usually consider this an option because they live 35-40 minutes in the opposite direction of where I work. Because I am teaching an afternoon class, it does not require me to wake E at an unheard of hour. And, I don't really want her to be at daycare while being ill. Her cousins have a calligraphy class after school and possibly even dance practice, so hopefully that will minimize their contact time with her. We don't need to be spreading our germs any more than necessary. I have an inkling that her aunt will probably skip dance practice though in order to watch her, so I'm trying not to feel guilty about that.

Trying to be patient Mommy but it doesn't always work. Especially with broken sleep, it reminded me of when she was a baby. I don't know if I was more patient then or just had no expectation that it would be different. Because she has sores in her mouth, her pacifier is not capable of pacifying. That would require sucking which is far too painful at the moment, so we went for a drive last night in order to drift off to sleep. When I mentioned a drive, we had to gather her wallet, a bee toy, her drink, and her pacifier in order to just get out the door. Those were her requests. We returned 30 minutes later with a sleeping child and bated breath that we could get her down on the futon without waking her. It was not entirely successful, but with a few more moments of holding her and disentangling myself from the sleepy little girl, we were down for about an hour before the next crying jag. I expect more of this for the next several days, but this is the stuff of memories. Unexpected drives, worries about fluid and food intake, and generally a lot more text messages about how she's doing and if I need anything.

Not all bad.

On the emotional gerbil wheel...

2008-04-10T23:19:00.004+09:00

Seeing as how I post so frequently here, I took a minute to look at my last posts: one for this year and one late last year. The one written for late last year is indicative of the place I find myself in yet again.

Insert the deep sigh that is best performed by mothers who do not wish to verbalize their disappointment or dissatisfaction but yet make it known nevertheless.

One would think that at the ripe age of 35 one would sort of have some things figured out, squared away, settled. Not me, I'm on the rent to own plan. I prefer debilitating analysis rather than the humble acceptance that I am a mortal--a broken human being who puts on a brave face to make things right for everyone else. And, when things cannot look okay or I feel I can't find that silver lining, well, it's time to hunker down.

Last week I went to my routine doctor's visit to have my prescriptions renewed and thought as I was walking along, "When you know what to do to make yourself feel better, why don't you do it? Why don't you take better care of yourself instead of pushing yourself?" When I relayed this to my doctor, he pronounced me erai. Erai in this sense is sort of a phrase meaning "great, or capable of doing many things".

While it's nice to be praised, it does not sit well when you do not believe it about yourself. I have been trying to figure out when this started, and I can't pinpoint it. I was disappointed when I turned 16 and then 17 because I hadn't "accomplished" more. (Roy, can you hook me up with the end quotes?) All the faults, mistakes, and not being able to answer email in a reasonable time because I can't get my shit together because I need to have happy shining stories to make everyone okay, it just wears on me. I guess I'm an average human.

Apartment's a mess, but I did manage to start packing away winter clothes yesterday. I did get some things mailed off and picked up at the post office. I grocery shopped, got a crockpot going for dinner, and even made E's dinner that she ate at daycare this evening when I dropped her off at 1:30. She fell asleep on the way home so I've been eating, cleaning out the inbox, and generally mulling over the current state of affairs.

Let's go to the house, boys.

2008-02-22T16:22:00.003+09:00

Today was one of those days where you have high hopes and then some things start to go wrong and you start building on that momentum.

First issue was going to the post office to open an account (like a bank account) to transfer money when I want to buy something from someone or receive money. Since there is no system like this in the States, I have no idea of what is available. Add to that the linguistic challenge that I face. So, I go in and due to my nervousness begin to make mistakes here and there.

"Ummm....I don't have an account. Regular account I start."

Okay, Rain Man, get it out.

"My Japanese is quite strange, and I don't have the words. I'm sorry."

Still looking at me and probably wondering what he did in a former life to have this brush of karma's fate, he begins to make that sucking sound that is sort of the Japanese equivalent of a deep sigh. This begins to further affect me.

He asks if I want an account for depositing and withdrawing money. Yes, now we're talking. But I have to make sure that we're clear on this.

"Interest is not interesting to me. I don't want interest."

He looks over his shoulder for an available person. He asks someone to please help me in English. WAIT, I want to scream. Don't go calling in the foreign minders yet! I haven't yet exhausted all the possible ways that I can make an illiterate ass of myself. You might think this is bad, but I can really build up to much more!

"No interest, you can't do that?" I ask.

The friendly female foreign minder smiles enthusiastically as I have written down the kanji character for interest that I just looked up prior to walking through the door. "No interest, okay."

I am handed a form to fill out of course in Japanese because I am in Japan. Fortunately I have had to fill out these forms before, but they seem to be encouraging me strongly to fill them out in Japanese characters. I usually use the alphabet, thus Romanizing the words, so I am still practicing my Little Engine that could spiel. Yes, I think I can, I think I can. But, he wants to hold my foreign registration card that marks me a foreigner (as though there is any uncertainty about that) to make a copy. I'm screwed. If the space were small enough, I would probably have tried to put one paper over the other and traced the characters. Except of course there's carbon copy in between, and I would not be able to see through the top layer. So, game as I am, I start on it and appear quite stuck.

I am summoned back to the counter for some reason that I can't remember, and I am making it painfully apparent by not having written the address yet that I am kanji challenged.

"Can you do it?"

"Um, well it's quite difficult."

"Here let me write it larger on another piece of paper for you to copy from on your form."

Actually, it would be so much easier if he would simply write my address for me. My pride and also having been through this at another post office to send cash to renew my passport, get in the way of my grovelling. After all, if they could do it, wouldn't they? Spare a sister the embarrassment? But, no, he writes the characters that I am particularly struggling to write on a larger piece of paper for me to copy with sharp inhales when I do the strokes for the characters in the wrong order. It's almost like surgery, it seems---the tension and finally the relief when it's all over. I'd ask him to go grab a beer with me except I don't drink beer. Ah well....

But, wait, there's more. I have written my name in both kanji (as the last name is technically kanji) and katakana (a system for dealing with foreign words). I know as soon as I've done it that it will no doubt be another issue. Because names may be similar sounding, it is imperative that the character matches that person's legal name. I have one form of I.D. which has my name written in romanized alphabets. It was then changed and is stated so on the back that my name is kanji and katakana, though I just realize after it is pointed out to me today that they did not romanize my middle name.

"You can't do it?" I implore knowing the answer already.

"I'll be right back."

I rejoin my daughter sitting on the vinyl covered dark green sofa that has been used by many bottoms in the past. I see him on the phone as he is wanting to clarify what he can do with this situation. I know that probably it will result in me having to start all over fresh on a new piece of paper, struggling through the whole mess again. How do I know? Because together with my Japanese husband, we slew many a tree at the bank when we changed my account. It is The Way of the Foreign Wife. And, let's not forget that if there is a way to do something wrong, I'll find it.

I'm called back to the counter and explained that it can be done but we have the problem of the name. What would I like to do?

"Can I just take a new document with me and bring it back later?" I don't want to endure this debasement any longer. I just want to leave, find the closest ,and drown my sorrows in a Value Meal followed by whatever crap that looks enticing but ultimately disappoints me at the grocery upstairs.

"Yes. Do you not have time to do it today? When do you think you'll bring it back?"

I promise to bring it back Monday, and they further ask me if I have another appointment that I'm in a hurry to get to.

"No," I begin, "but I've made far too much trouble for you," as I stumble to find the words that are not found in my brain when embarrassed and under a state of wanting to bite the nearest person who provokes me.

"Oh, it's nothing. Here just strike through this....do you have your inkan (a registered seal for stamping important documents) with you?"

"Yes, I do," sweet God in heaven, I fortunately prepared for this knowing that I'd need it.

After a little more back and forth, being told to wait a few more minutes while he manually entered my information into the computer, and then told to start thinking about what I'd like my 4 digit numeric password to be (with four fingers held up to make sure that I'd understand 4), I am called again and given my beloved passbook. A green little book that now holds within it the reward of having completed something on my own without waiting to know how to do or having someone bail me out.

But, given my emotional state, I couldn't help but to draw more nervous energy to myself. E ensconsed herself in the kids' play area of the store when I wanted to look at hair barrettes for her. Okay, I remind myself, she was very well behaved at the post office. Let her play. What else do I really have to do today?

A little boy comes into the play area a bit later, and he's either hopped up on sugar or allowed to run wild. He comes with his grandmother who then tells him that she's going to wash her hands and will be right back. I don't know whether or not that is the truth, but true to her word, she does come right back.

He's already trying to keep E away from all the toys that he rounded up, even the ones we were playing with but didn't have our hands on. I told E to be patient and we need to share, ask him to play with you. And she does. And he laughs at her and says no.

So, she comes to me, and I encourage her to have another go. He finally admits her into his lair, but he is alternately trying to push her out as well. While she's not happy about it, she keeps going back. I tell her we can leave and don't have to play with him. I finally engage both of them in something, but he wants more of my attention.

When he is playing, he is quite rough. I estimate him to be possibly a year older than E. I ask him politely several times in my sing-song Japanese, "Play nicely. Let's play together nicely." His response is to laugh. He starts to squeeze E's cheeks and then harder. I remove his hands calmly and explain, "That looks so painful."

"No, it's not," he laughs.

He has repeated go's at her, and I still retain my invested but partially detached teacher modus operandi. "That's painful. Let's not do that."

More laughter, "No it's not." It seems that all the world is a stage for this little guy.

I begin to look at the grandmother, who is leisurely relaxing by putting her legs up on the cushions. No response from that direction. Actually she seems to be quite pleased with him when he runs over and speaks to her. I see that I'm on my own.

I tell E that we can go and she doesn't have to play with him if he's going to hurt her. If he's going to be mean, we don't want to play with people like that, do we?

He has another couple rounds with her. She has gone to get her remaining drink from lunch, and I am sitting on the other side of the padded corner that denotes the end of the play area. I look as he has gone in that direction as well. He wants her drink. Quite understandable, and I tell her to put it away. She does not want to, and so he has a much stronger go at her cheeks. I tell him to stop as that hurts, and I tell E in English to put it away. I go around the corner to get my purse, and when I return, his back is to me as is E's. But, what I can definitely see by the straining and shaking of his arms is that he is either choking her or squeezing her shoulders with all the cheese he can muster.

I immediately go there and try to retain a thread of sanity and say that it hurts and to stop.

More laughter.

I look him dead in the eye and give him the voice that means business. "This is bad. This hurts."

He laughs more, and I wonder about grabbing him by the arm and thrusting him at the uninvolved grandmother. I ponder it for a nanosecond and see how it might play out: she clucks happily and says that he is a boy after all and boys will be boys which follows with me planting a middle finger in her direction and saying, "Do you understand that, Grandma?" I quickly decide that perhaps that is not the best road to take.

"You are mean. This hurts, and you are very very mean."

I do not look at him further as I jerk E up, grab our shoes, and try to get out of there before I lay hands to this child. I realize that my theatrics will probably be lost on him and the grandmother. I put our shoes on as quickly as I can while he is waiting at my side for some recognition. I give him none. I put E in her stroller, and of course have to fumble with bags and such, but do not give him the requisite high pitched sing-song, "Thank you so much for playing with us. We really enjoyed it."

I want to scream. I want to lash out at anyone who comes within my path next. I want to complain to my husband about the culture we are raising our daughter in at his bequest. But, part of me knows wisely that the same thing happens with kids of the same race all around the world. The issue is that I don't have the words to deal. Defeat at such a small thing makes me wonder how I'll manage when E goes to school. Trial by fire?

Sigh.

Too much time inside my head.

2007-11-09T15:30:00.001+09:00

I've spent far too much time inside my head lately. I turn everything over, look at its tender underbelly, and generally find fault with what I'm doing or who I am.

So for this moment, I am celebrating me. Me who wonders if what I'm doing as a mother is good enough. Me who wonders why there is not a made from scratch meal on the table every night. Me who wonders if I'll ever be a person that someone else admires. Me, for better or worse, I'm a person who lets all these thoughts run unchecked so that I'm unable to move in any direction as I'm constantly analyzing things. Analysis paralysis is the phrase that comes to mind.

But, if I start to make friends with me, then maybe I can find the strengths and weaknesses that lie within. I read on a blog recently something that cut a little close to the bone...this person said that many people can always say what they don't want, but they are hard pressed to verbalize what they do want. Human nature, maybe?

Still thinking...

Monkey Park.

2007-11-09T15:24:00.000+09:00

These are lemurs. Which one had too much coffee?

Time Passes So Quickly.

2007-11-09T15:15:00.000+09:00

We're almost mid-November now, and the rest of the year is soon going to become a race to the finish. While I never thought I'd be one of those people who answers "Busy" when someone asked how I was, I feel like the days go, emails remain unsent, and vital connections are not maintained.

This morning I dropped by a friend's house to return something she left in my car this week. Holding her little girl, 4 months old, made me think about my own. This 2 year almost 5 month headstrong girl that calls me "Mommy" or sometimes says "I'm coming, Betty" alternately causes me to want to push her into older toddlerhood and hold tight kicking and screaming. You can see where she gets her bipolar attitude, Sissy.

So in order to remember the small baby that was, here's my own gratuitous memory...

Particular

2007-11-04T00:56:00.000+09:00

So, this morning I was on the phone with the previously considered other half of the ~~Siamese~~ conjoined twin that together we are/were/are. Quite a tightly wound ~~Siamese~~ conjoined twin, though I think she's more so. Of course that's my objective take on it, and it has to be truth.

She was mentioning to me about a person who her cat has immediately taken a shining to. So, immediately I began to protest. How did this other person get a pass into Jethro's life? I've been around longer and have never been taught the secret handshake. This girl comes from out of nowhere and suddenly he's winding himself through her legs and later falling asleep in her lap. Bitch, please!

In the course of our conversation and a possibly upcoming short term transfer for her out of the country, this looks like a good thing that her cat has come under the spell of this "siren", I will dignify her only with that term. Perhaps this is a good thing. When my friend went on to say that they had similar approaches to energy consumption in the house and coping mechanisms, I could see the writing on the wall.

For a long time she has joked that when we grow old, we'll move in together and rejoin our previously separated Margaret and Isabelle activities: providing running commentary of why things are not up to our approval and why are people so stupid, and it's a curse to be smart. Why could we not be just dumb and happy instead? I don't know if there will be similar geriatric males in our lives or not; that part of the dream has never quite gelled.

But, when she said she got in this siren's car and it was immaculate, I saw what was happening. No need to spell it out for me. Ole Isabelle is not as slow as you think. She might be short and dumpy but she's spry.

"I realize I'm particular...." started the sentence with howling laughter ensuing.

The use of the word particular in this context in the most constructive form means exceptionally selective, attentive, or exacting. In the South, there would be no need to consult a dictionary, but I do this for my other friends in case it's "indigenous to the region" as someone else often says.

And to find that this Johnnie come lately, this siren, has higher standards than my ~~Siamese~~ conjoined twin when it comes to the thermostat setting. What can I say? I know when I'm beat.

Irritation.

2007-10-30T15:27:00.000+09:00

I don't know what it was that was getting underneath my skin today, but this whole issue of being illiterate really gets on my nerves from time to time. I thought to myself that I was tired of trying to guess what was in front of me and having F read for me when it was necessary and translate. Looking at websites and having to try to do adult pseudo-literacy matching to try to find the specialty I was looking for does wonders for the ego.

So, irritation and frustration, when channeled properly can cause one to put on their big girl panties and deal with it. Dealing with it at the moment makes me wonder when I might be able to find time to join a class. I have the JLPT 3 (Japanese Language Proficiency Test) in December that I seem to be making no headway in studying.

I am quite averse to the notion of going to a class on a Saturday night. Who goes to class on Saturday night? When I could be spending a night at home doing, well, nothing except bathing and going to bed, or wait, eating dinner at the inlaws as we often do on Saturday evening. Hmm...when did I become an adult with nothing interesting going on? Honestly it was well before E made her appearance. I've been dull for years.

I just like to keep my options open, you know.

Please be advised.

2007-10-28T21:52:00.000+09:00

CAUTION

The tiger may spray urine. Please be careful.

If you notice, however, the tiger is peeing in it's own water supply.

More Halloween Party Fun.

2007-10-28T21:42:00.000+09:00

E & J and their Mums

Mummy!

Halloween Party # 2

2007-10-28T21:30:00.000+09:00

GIRAFFE DOWN!

This was Halloween Party # 2 for us this year. We had a wonderful time and E had a good time playing with her friend who lives a bit far away. We need to make a trip back to Mie to visit with her family again, and I guess I need an excuse to chat and drink the night away.

I also got my hair did before going there today, so it was an industrious weekend for us. Friday night was dental checks. Saturday ended up being a day to get my eyes checked and new contacts purchased though I'm still not used to those. (It rained so no trip to the Monkey Park yesterday.)

Tomorrow F goes to Tokyo for the week, and I am kind of looking forward to it. I don't know what E and I will get ourselves into, but the week always has a way of taking care of itself. No playgroup this week, so we have 2 days free. Woo hoo!

Aaaah, I'm tired.

Date.

2007-10-25T16:25:00.000+09:00

This was the view from our table on Saturday. F arranged for his sister to watch E while we had a date. He made a reservation for this restaurant perched on the 52nd floor of the Towers. While it wouldn't have mattered to me as long as it wasn't our usual spot where we wolfed down food with Emi, it was very thoughtful of him to find something special.

In addition to this special lunch, I had a gift waiting for me after we left from his folks' place--a new necklace that he had put in the glove box of the car. Again, it wouldn't have mattered what it was. It was that there was thought put into it and that it wasn't a rushed matter that seemed to be thrown together at the last minute.

I often play detective to see how much thought/money/time went into something, but I decided that I would not let myself ruin my own gift. So what if he bought it on the way home from work the previous day? I just didn't care. I took the gift for what it was: a thoughtful gift, a moment to acknowledge and appreciate me. While I don't expect extravagance at all times, it is nice to be reminded that you are worth more than the daily drudgery of laundry, meals wolfed down, and basic needs met.

Bliss.

2007-10-25T16:23:00.000+09:00

So this pic was taken several weeks ago now when my brother was visiting us. F snapped this at the airport just before we spied an older gentleman wearing a t-shirt that said "Morally Bankrupt".

Tune in Tokyo

2007-10-25T16:21:00.000+09:00

Halloween.

2007-10-24T17:59:00.000+09:00

So, the Halloween party went off well. We took the pic at the beginning before costumes were shed. I had to practically promise the world to E to get the giraffe hat back on her head. Something about it hurt; well, beauty hurts so suck it up!

She napped on the way home, for which I was grateful. I had almost 2 hours to recover. I say that as I am being devil mother and not letting Emi kick the cart that the computer is on. Bedtime, how long off are you?

Pain.

2007-10-24T14:37:00.000+09:00

Today I had the opportunity or shame, however you wish to look at it, to see a friend in turmoil. As the leader of a group that we attend weekly, she is responsible for reserving facilities for us to use throughout the year. To mark this season, there was a Halloween party today for all of our kiddies.

When I arrived, there were many people gathered around the reception counter. I thought they were just getting the key or details what have you, but in fact, it seemed as though there was no reservation for us. How to have a party without a facility? And how to contact all the members of our group within an hour if this can't be fixed?

I watched my friend. I watched others try to soothe her, but she was not going to be comforted.

"I don't understand. I just really don't get it. I know that we made a reservation with them. I was standing right there when my husband was on the phone with them. I know we couldn't have made that big a mistake, and they say the name we're giving them for a contact name doesn't even work here."

I understood the ground on which she was standing: It was shaky ground the world she was crafting for herself that allowed no room for things to go wrong. She worked hard to be at a good weight. She worked hard at doing her best at work. She worked hard to be a good housewife. She worked hard at being a good mother. She worked hard at making things PERFECT. All of that work that she had put into something to make it up to her standards was slowly dissolving before her, and she could do nothing.

It was out of embarrassment, for her and also for myself, that I offered something resembling nothing. I could so easily relate to what she felt, and I also felt embarrassed that I had been the star of my own dramatic comedy.

Even as I write this, I feel the urge to put my fingers in my ears and say, "La la la, I'm not listening," as I try to keep those feelings of both disappointment, embarrassment, and inadequacy at bay. Much like when you walk alone at night and those feelings of fear begin to encroach, you find yourself talking out loud to keep the boogeyman away.

I hope that her monsters don't disable her. I hope that I can find a way to appease my own.

Anti-climatic.

2007-09-30T14:49:00.000+09:00

So, Friday was the most recent round for the driver's license test. I had 2 lessons the Saturday before, though I had sworn I would not take driving lessons. The lessons were helpful in that they tell you exactly what is necessary to pass the test, or at least if you have a good instructor. I was left a little bemused though when my instructor, an expert (?) in the legalities of driving, was critiquing my driving and said, "If you had a baby between your legs while you're driving..."

Thinking that this might be something to slip me up, I quickly countered in Japanese that I thought the baby would be in the back seat in their approved safety seat.

"Well, anyway, " he continued, "if you had a baby between your legs, and you were turning at the rate of speed you were turning, the baby would hit their head. It's dangerous, yes? A baby is important, yes?"

All righty then. Note taken. Slow down and make sharp slow turns when I need to turn.

F went with me on Friday, and he kept giving me his own brand of pep talk from a familiar children's book that E has been reading a lot of late. "I think you can. I think you can. I think you can." He was stressing me out by trying to relax me. So, I was number 4 in line with about 15 people taking our test on Friday. Tester #3, I observed the last leg of her test as I needed to go queue up and be ready to hop in. I noticed her uncrisp turn, her stopping in the middle of the lane rather than teetering on the edge of the left gutter at the stop sign and thought there'd be no good news in Mudville for her. Yes, indeed, she was given the length of lecture that I had enjoyed 2 tests prior. I felt sad for her and couldn't make eye contact with her as she exited the car as I felt a little embarrassed for her as well.

So, my turn, turns made with blinkers blazing, lanes shifted with appropriate mirror checks, crank turn completed with no tires hitting the curb, accelerated to 50 km/hr in the fast lane only to brake sharply to change lanes before a right hand turn, man this was going fast. I was nearing the end of the test and thought that perhaps I had not been precise enough. There was no comment, little writing, what would the verdict be? I pull into the parking space and F is at the passenger side window to translate the instructions and criticisms.

"She completed all the technical elements."

Thank yous were exhanged, a high 5 was enjoyed by me. But, we had to wait until 12:45 to get the official word. It was only 10:10 then. So we came back after a bit of errands and lunch, and enjoyed the official news for only a moment when we were rushed into another room and instructed to go downstairs and pay the fee for a license and come directly back and take our seat on a certain sofa.

While I did not expect confetti, hardy handshakes or a slap on the back, I expected something. The 3 Brazilians who joined me in the winners' circle that day (yes only 4 out of 15 of us passed) were sharing hugs and some were a bit teary eyed....if only I could have joined their camraderie! Maybe some ping pong balls from Captain Kangaroo raining down on me, Ms. Moose, would have at least been somewhat appropriate.

Behind.

2007-09-26T21:11:00.001+09:00

So, this was the view from our camping a couple weekends ago. I went for a short walk after our trip to the store to requisition meals for the evening. It had been threatening rain, and it came as promised later at night and continued throughout the next morning. We eventually packed up, enjoyed some same sex public nudity at the hot spring spa, and drove home. Well, I rode and dozed, so it was an especially good time for me.

Lately my life has become a schedule of events which has left me wanting to toss in the towel that I just was given. I am trying to keep in mind that multi-tasking is not all it's cracked up to be. Our friends with XY chromosomes, though I fault them for not being able to focus on more than one thing at a time, may have a better coping strategy. Simply focus on what you're doing, and don't think about all the other stuff that needs doing. I've returned to making lists so that I keep track of what I need to do. Now, I just have to keep track of the lists!

Today I got my first pay stub in the mail, and there is something about making your own money that cannot be beat. While it was only for 4 mornings of work, it was still a tidy enough sum for me to feel proud of myself. I wonder at times about working more, but I also worry about leaving E in daycare more than she is now. I guess lots of people don't have options and they simply work to live and can't afford the luxury of thinking about whether or not they should work more. No complaining.

Well, it's off for story time and hopefully bedtime soon.

Haiku

2007-09-16T23:42:00.000+09:00

Farewell gift to friend
Postcard paper, printer jammed
Irretrievable.

I got nothing.

2007-09-13T00:48:00.001+09:00

That seems to be the phrase that my friend and I use when there's really nothing to report, but we're just calling because well we want to make contact with one another. We can carry on about catching up on the latest news or happenings, then it's a bit of silence, and "I got nothing."

I feel like that's where I am at the moment. I've had little energy this week, and I'm not sure why. I've had a sore tongue (how's that for precise?) and a low grade disastisfaction with things along with a slight fever. I'm trying to "gaman", as my countrymen would say. What is that exactly? Endure? Suffer in silence?

I have work tomorrow and hope to be having some variety of Mexican inspired dinner because I have taco shells to use before they go completely stale. Beyond that, Friday is a coffee morning with friends which may lead to lunch at an Indonesian place. F has a nomikai, a drinking outing, to either welcome or bid farewell to someone in his department. At this point, I don't remember and it's irrelevant.

He's been working later this week. While in theory, I don't necessarily object and realize it's a part of life, I also need a break from a small person on occasion. Last night in the tub we were repeating, "Mental Mommy" or a variety thereof. "Mommy is mental." "Mental Mommy" "Mommy needs a break before she becomes mental." Later E announced that she needed a break as well. Duly noted.

I think I should hit the hay. I did a rough edit for the next journal that is coming out next month and think I did okay. Maybe I should re-read the guidelines and browse through it again tomorrow on my trip into work. We'll see how it goes. I got nothing.

Can I not get a break?

2007-09-09T19:49:00.001+09:00

Today I went to the local international center, queuing up to be interviewed for Japanese lessons. I explained that I didn't know what my level would be for conversation, so they urged me to start just above basic, and see where it went from there.

So, I interviewed in level one, and they felt I could do level two. I interviewed for level two, and they felt I'd be bored. So, they recommended Conversation Salon which doesn't follow a text but might be challenging for me. I said that if I couldn't get a place in conversation, I wanted to try for kanji--the Chinese descended writing system. While waiting in line for the Conversation Salon interview, I asked F about whether there'd be time to test for kanji. Off he went in search of the answer, and they said that I should wait where I was. If there were any spaces left over, I could try to enter the class then.

Interviews conducted by 12 and we were instructed to come back at 1, but it looked as though there were too many people applying to enter all the classes. Upstairs at 1, and we're all gathered around and a lottery will determine if we have a space in the class. The lottery is that we write our names on a line which has been covered at the bottom so that we don't know if the line we're signing will give us a spot or not. So, yours truly did not sign a line with this special designation. Okay. Well, there's 3 spots left in the class, so all the rest of us who were previously unlucky can now do "Rock, Paper, Scissors" for a spot. I went down in the first round. And, the kanji class is all full up too, so no studying there either.

(Insert appropriate expletive here.) In addition to Japanese, I think I will be studying strategy for my rock, paper, scissors comeback.

The Score.

2007-09-08T21:17:00.000+09:00

Driver's License Bureau- 3
Me- 0

Next match is scheduled for the end of September.

I did however meet a cute Paraguayan to help me pass the time and a few laughs. I also shared some laughs with a Brazilian woman in Japanese as she wasn't confident in English, and well, I speak no Portuguese. So, a good time had by all, except for that important bit about needing a drivers license by the end of December.

Typhoon Fitow has passed, but wait there's more!

2007-09-08T20:40:00.000+09:00

Today, the weekend no less, was not a complete bust. However on the marital bliss front, the typhoon has yet to pass. How does one see the best in their spouse at all times or even some of the times? I see good, but it's never good enough. Sigh. I guess that's me. After F took E to a sporting goods store to get supplies for our camping trip next weekend, I went out for a long walk.

I walked with no real thought in mind of where I'd end up though wasn't prepared to go too far off my usual beat. I brought along 1000 yen for drinks or whatever I wanted and my alien card in case a policeman had nothing better to do than to ask me for my ID. I also brought along my mobile phone to watch when aforementioned spouse would notice that I had not returned by the time he got home.

I walked to the river, which is a bit of a misnomer I feel, but it is called a river. And so for the sake of the story, a river it is. I walked my usual route, seeing people walking along with their dogs or loved ones, as I plod out a solitary track. I walked to the end of my course and sat down to watch the water go over the falls. I sat there stewing in my juices thinking up witty one-liners that would cut a native English speaker down to size. Having to either look in the dictionary to translate what I said or the tone of what I said, well, I felt it would cause a certain something to be lost.

As I sat there silently stewing, I also watched a couple carp on the edge of the short fall there swimming around and generally showing how strong they were that they could swim against the current. Now, while there's probably a sermon in there, I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about what I could learn from this situation; afterall it's always F's fault. Why should I waste time thinking about my contribution?

I sat there a while and then decided to start towards home. Somewhere in my thoughts, I decided to turn off my phone and not watch for that moment when "Oh yes, he'll be sorry." I walked and walked and thought about what else I could say to make my case crystal clear. I dodged bicycles, old women walking home from the store together with their purchases on their arms or on their carts, an occasional child blocking the sidewalk.

On my way up the steep hill that marks my ascent to home, I decided to stop at the park and turn on my phone. There was a message. I sat on the concrete wall a few minutes, savoring the power. Oh yes, he would be sorry. I called my voicemail and what did I hear? A rather chipper message from F asking where I was and when I thought I'd be home and to call him when I had time. I hesitated a moment. Where's the groveling? Where's the sheer terror in his voice? Shouldn't the message have been, "You will be coming home, won't you?" Where was the remorse?

Well, it's probably gone the way of my kindness. For many years, I thought I was quite kind and considerate. I now feel that it didn't get me any more consideration than I get now, so why bother? Yes, why bother, I say to myself righteously? Because without kindness and consideration, where would the world be? Would we be any different from animals? I don't know.

So, upon my arrival, I was welcomed back into the fold of my family. I grunted a mere acknowledgment that another adult human was in the room speaking in my general direction. Beyond that, I did nothing.

"I know you're frustrated."

And so that sits in the air because I can't deny it, but I also can't make him understand. I'm sure later there will be some kind of reconnaissance to see which way the wind is blowing.

Fare thee well.

2007-09-06T00:40:00.000+09:00

Tired.

2007-09-06T00:01:00.001+09:00

First week at a job, which actually seems to be a pretty good job, and I'm feeling a little tired. I can't seem to get on top of my schedule, the house, the groceries, etc. I seem to be running from one thing to the next. And, I know it all seems laughable in that I'm not working much. My life even before a job just ran better if I had lists, could locate the list, and could shop from the list, etc. Notice a pattern?

Today was our first day at playgroup since summer break. Everyone wanted to catch up with everyone else, and I felt a bit chaotic. Trying to corral kids to move on to the next task, moms wanting to catch up on summer stories, and I'm wondering if I might be a bit too sensitive to sound. Or I'm a hopeless hermit forced to live in a world of people? Though my actions may be feral at times, I promise that I have been taken out into the world and allowed to socialize (mainstream, some of you may say) with the rest of the homo sapiens. (She said homo)

F is headed to Tokyo tomorrow for a meeting. Nothing particularly noteworthy about that, though he's wondering if he'll be home tomorrow night. A typhoon could be making landfall between Shizuoka and Tokyo, and train service could be affected. Our area may experience rain, so E might not be able to play outside tomorrow at daycare.

Daycare...all is going well. A friend is entering her daughter into the daycare we go to tomorrow. We had a chat tonight, and I can understand the trepidation over sending your child into the arms of strangers. Maybe I'm not such a good mom, as I did look forward to sending her. Or maybe in some ways, I was a good mom in realizing my limits and knowing that I needed some help. A bit of downtime was needed at the beginning in order to get me back into balance and feeling like I wasn't circling the drain. These days E runs inside, says her greetings, hands her notebook to the head teacher for messages between home and there, and doesn't give me a backwards glance. While I do like baby hugs and kisses, I prefer that to the other option.

I've been thinking about getting more involved in life and organizations here. My problem is that I tend to go overboard. I can't go back to work, agree to be the treasurer for our playgroup, and consider getting more involved at church. I have to also be analyzing the possibility of arranging a family camp for friends next month before making a formal announcement, the wisdom of filling a position that's going to be effectively vacated in less than 10 days with the same organization, or possibly taking on a more national role come next April. All this while I'm on several email message groups, taking a very small role in planning a convention for next February, and trying to make myself friend-worthy while neglecting to send emails to long time friends. Conflicted? Doesn't make a lot of sense to me either.

Friday, I dread Friday. I have my third chance at passing or failing the practical driving test to get my Japanese license. I'm not sure if I'm hoping for a brand new proctor this time or the older gentleman I tested with the first time. The second time, while I did not feel particularly embarrassed or bothered by it, I was given a nice dressing down. Maybe if I had cried or shown some type of remorse over my mistakes of not staying left enough or my turns not being tight enough, maybe I would have passed. "You didn't even do the basic things. Do you understand? You didn't do the basic things. Got it?" So this time, I will be counting the 3 seconds that it should take me between the time I turn on my signal and when I start a lane change. I will crawl slowly through the course to make sure that no scooter will fit between me and the left side of the lane. I will make a wide right turn in order to ensure that it appears as though I'm about to drive up on the curb before whipping the car into the lane. And, if I do all these things, perhaps I will not hit the bicyclist who is text messaging as he rides down the sidewalk while I'm attempting to pull out of the parking lot. Perhaps.

Farewells and new beginnings.

2007-09-03T04:03:00.000+09:00

Sunday was spent saying farewell to a friend who is moving back to America. She was selling as much as she could, so we got to look at her wares. It felt sort of wrong, like you could have been discussing who was going to get what item of the not yet deceased person lying conscious in the hospital bed or what outfit you wanted to bury them in. But, ain't nothing wrong with a heavy duty Kitchen Aid mixer or jogging stroller. Don't let your conscience screw you out of good deals.

E was able to see her favorite baby today. Baby C is such a sweetie, so cute and so content. And, I can't resist sweet baby love! Being a mere 3 months old, I still consider her a new beginning. Kissing her cheek, nuzzling her head, and all around enjoying a baby while rested. I don't feel that I enjoyed E much at that time with the lack of sleep.

It looks like they're plotting some mischief. Actually E was saying, "Baby C, look at Daddy."

Calling a writer somewhere....

2007-08-31T20:26:00.000+09:00

I find myself in need of a new line. Tonight I started with the usual, "You, madam....." and E finished with "are cwazy". She's figured me out.

TV, how I love you.

2007-08-31T17:46:00.000+09:00

The TV is babysitting E while I type this up. Actually, I do not consider it babysitting at this point. It is a public service that I pay for, and I paid for the dvd that is currently playing. And, I just want a little down time.

Today a couple neighbor friends came by and it was good to catch up and laugh. Actually there were a lot of laughs. I tried to describe some of my recent language escapades of trying to explain to a guy that his work truck was blocking the street and I couldn't get through. About the only thing I really managed to accomplish was saying over and over, "I can't drive." Finally he decided to come out and see what I was talking about and then moved his vehicle so that I could get through. The old woman pulling her wheeled groceries that I had overtaken prior on the street got past me probably thinking, "I might be old but I'm small."

Today F is working late so I have some rice cooking. Beyond that, I'm defrosting some curry that I had leftover before. I need to take an overdue dvd back to the store---I never got around to watching it. That will be my confidence builder or buster for the day. I guess there's not much to say outside of apologizing that it's late and waiting for them to tell me how much I need to pay.

I'm going to a friend's on Sunday who is moving back to the U.S. suddenly. She'll be working at an immersion school in Seattle, her old stomping grounds. I have decided to try a new recipe that I've been looking at for a while, and I sure hope it's good. Black Pearl Layer Cake will contain wasabi, ginger, and sesame seeds. I became interested in the recipe because I bought chocolate from the chocolatier in Chicago who came up with the recipe. I liked the chocolate, why not try the cake?

I feel I haven't been getting my TV quotient lately though. It seems as though I'm mainly watching E's videos, doing an exercise vid, or catching a small bit of CNN. I need to exercise today....I'm feeling quite sluggard-like and ate a bunch of snacks this afternoon that weren't the best choice. I just want to have a lie down in front of the tv and let the evening pass though.

Okay, up I go. Got to do something lest I become attached to the kitchen chair here in front of the computer.

Just the usual.

2007-08-30T17:02:00.000+09:00

Today we visited a friend's house. I picked up a friend from the subway station and drove to our other friend's house. I forgot yesterday to ask F to set up the navigation in the car, so I was going on the memory of driving my friend home once. We got there with no issues, but to be really honest about it, it was pretty straightforward. I just don't have a great deal of confidence, but I try.

A good day was had all around, I hope. E and the 2 boys present all took turns aggravating one another. As one of my friends said, "Well, no one was the clear victim today. That's good." Lunch, dessert, and farewells followed by 2 snoozing kids in the car while my friend and I caught up while I drove her back to our station.

Not much to report for anything else. Tomorrow we're having some neighbors here in the afternoon. F told me last night he's heading out of town Friday with a potential partner for a 5:00 pm meeting. He said that it was not the best time for a meeting, 5:00 on a Friday, so he expected he wouldn't be home until 11 or so. I actually don't mind since I'm having friends over, so I won't be rushing to get dinner on the table after they leave. E and I can have a very simple dinner (yogurt, cheese, cereal & fruit) if the mood strikes.

It's Thursday, and I'm just realizing that. I noticed the sound of boxes being moved around outside to signal that some foods are being delivered to people in our neighboring building who subscribe to the service. One of my friends does it, and I'm guessing it's because Thursdays are busy days for her with a rhythm class for her little girl and usual after school activities for her older daughter. The food is delivered so that you don't have to shop that day, though judging by the size of the box I see, it's more than one day's worth. Perhaps it's also other organic staples of life?

I'm trying to get more organized in that department, but I am usually at the store 2 or 3 days during the week not counting the weekend. Maybe it's the lack of space in our fridge, or maybe it's that food seems to spoil quicker than at home in the States, or maybe I'm just a poor shopper. My feeling is that veggies are not waxed here, making them susceptible to spoiling more quickly. I HATED waxed apples and cucumbers at home though. I've been reading Barbara Kingsolver's latest book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle and trying to make some changes regarding how I buy food. I'm reading labels of where the produce is coming from and trying to buy closer to home. It's not always cheaper to do so: broccoli grown in Japan was 179 yen the other day at the store and broccoli brought in from the US was 99 yen. What to do? I didn't buy either since I couldn't justify the cost of the Japanese broccoli when it wasn't on sale. (Yes I'm cheap like that.)

Lately I've made spinach tortillas from scratch since I don't want to spend $4+ on a package of 10 that I need to go to a specific shop to get. I made faux ravioli the other night using wonton wrappers. (Keef, please don't go into shock at my use of pasta materials.) Whatever isn't used gets frozen for future use, and I think I tend to appreciate that which I've made myself though sometimes it's a pain in the a**.

Well, dinner needs preparing and I need to get on it. I think tonight is going to be sort of a thrown together bit, but we'll get by until tomorrow when it's grocery shopping again.

Recommitting to blog.

2007-08-29T20:33:00.000+09:00

Okay, so I don't post often. It goes without saying. Should I apologize for it? I could go so PA (passive aggressive) on my readers and say that I'm sorry that I haven't posted in forever. I'm just trying to raise a child, and I can't seem to find enough time, and ---this is where the eyes go misty and anime-ed---I'm sorry that I can't do everything to suit everyone. First a single tear rolls down from the corner of my eye, and you the reader is so sorry that you mentioned that I haven't been posting. But, I won't do that.

Life is what it is. I have no recollection really of where the last 8 months have gone. Settling in, visiting family, trying to figure out who the good doctors are, getting E settled into a hoikuen (day care) that I like. Playgroup, making friends, having people over, trying new recipes with foods I didn't grow up with, that all takes some time. But, I have enjoyed it. Okay, there are nights when I can't come up with anything to make for dinner, and I go to the store and buy ready made stuff that just needs eating, or heating and eating.

E is currently being bathed by Dad. I hear her screams as he's probably trying to pour water on her head or alternately trying to coax her out of the tub. Or she's telling him some story that's a mix of English, Japanese, and her own tongue. She cracks herself up at times. So, in turn, we find ourselves laughing. She's since exited the tub and is being lotioned up as I type this hurriedly. I know I only have a couple more moments of uninterrupted typing time, before she tells me it's time for bed. Okay, so I don't have a couple moments. She's come into the room, dripping, with the nail polish telling me that she needs "Paint." And, honestly, the past several nights I've promised to touch up her toenails. Tonight I think she'll be holding me to that.

Moving Whinge.

2006-12-24T15:56:00.000+09:00

It seems as though the reality of my moving is now starting to sink in. I met with my best friend of so many years this evening. We did our usual dinner and a movie followed by some driving around and heading back to her place. A couple hard questions were asked, and I am thinking that my moving is real now.

I guess there are lots of things to complain about in life. It's easier to talk about who I don't want to be like or what I don't want to do than to be assertive and make plans for what I want. Because making plans and risking failure or success or having a life that doesn't resemble anyone else, well that's just crazy talk. We only get one chance through life, unless of course you subscribe in reincarnation, and time's a wasting. Not much sense in saying, "Well, if only X would do Y, then I could have a life. I can't do X because then I'm responsible for all these other things that don't go away and I can't depend on anyone but me, so it's not possible."

What do I really want to say? I don't know that I care to put it out there for everyone's eyes. I don't know what my life is at the moment. I guess lots of us like to think that we know or that our futures are within our control. My life seems to never quite follow the order that I had thought. It seems easier to go with the flow of what presents itself than to work hard to insert myself into something that just may be a lot of work with no result. I don't know what to do honestly. I guess if I was "driven" I might be dividing and conquering or at least planning to. Instead, here I sit typing while everyone else in snoozing hoping to keep up the brave face until I get on the plane Wednesday.

Moving.

2006-12-19T11:26:00.000+09:00

As we are preparing to move, I realize that I'm far to busy to really process my farewells to people. It seems like a lot of it is simply a hug and release program. It dawns on me a bit later that this will be the last time I see some people for a while. It's hard to see some cherished friends for possibly one of the last times in a while. And, even as I write this, I know that there will be some who will try to say something about what a grand adventure I'm going to have. The music begins and swells so that you hear Michael W. Smith singing, "And friends are friends forever if the Lord's the Lord of them...." Gag. It sucks to let people go.

Today was fairly busy with last dr appointments in the morning. We went to playgroup from there with us being incredibly late. We had a nice time and I was able to unload more Japanese food as well as few other items. I unfortunately left everything at June's, so I hope she doesn't have a lot of stuff left that no one took to throw away. Home for a nap for E, and I checked email as well as watched a past episode of Grey's Anatomy that I hadn't seen before. We visited with a neighbor for a while in the late afternoon before coming home to get dinner ready.

Tomorrow is a dental appointment for me. We need to replace a filling that's fractured. Yeah, let's get that out of the way before moving to Japan. I have a lot of errands that need doing, but I don't know when or how much I'll get done. We'll see.

Well, I need to get going so that I get some more work done. Tomorrow is trash day and I need to throw out as much as I can. Oye.

Testicle 1, 2, 3????

2006-10-30T15:28:00.000+09:00

Just to see if this works as I'm so technophobic.