Moving Whinge.
It seems as though the reality of my moving is now starting to sink in. I met with my best friend of so many years this evening. We did our usual dinner and a movie followed by some driving around and heading back to her place. A couple hard questions were asked, and I am thinking that my moving is real now.
I guess there are lots of things to complain about in life. It's easier to talk about who I don't want to be like or what I don't want to do than to be assertive and make plans for what I want. Because making plans and risking failure or success or having a life that doesn't resemble anyone else, well that's just crazy talk. We only get one chance through life, unless of course you subscribe in reincarnation, and time's a wasting. Not much sense in saying, "Well, if only X would do Y, then I could have a life. I can't do X because then I'm responsible for all these other things that don't go away and I can't depend on anyone but me, so it's not possible."
What do I really want to say? I don't know that I care to put it out there for everyone's eyes. I don't know what my life is at the moment. I guess lots of us like to think that we know or that our futures are within our control. My life seems to never quite follow the order that I had thought. It seems easier to go with the flow of what presents itself than to work hard to insert myself into something that just may be a lot of work with no result. I don't know what to do honestly. I guess if I was "driven" I might be dividing and conquering or at least planning to. Instead, here I sit typing while everyone else in snoozing hoping to keep up the brave face until I get on the plane Wednesday.
posted by bethyl @ 3:56 PM
1 Comments:
I can identify with a lot of the questions you are asking about your life. Sometimes I think back to when I was a teenager and what I saw as my future. Hells bells, didn't life just grab hold of my hair and start dragging me around, throwing me up against a few brick walls.
You asked me once when it was that I finally felt comfortable in my own skin, and I said it was about the age of 35. I recently ran across some old OLD papers I wrote way back when - 30+ years ago. I wrote of wanting to know that my life was set and would remain unchanged. (Forgive and love the silly, young Pam)
That longing for predictability would haunt me for the next 15-20 years while I went through all manner of life changes. It took me until I was about 35 to realize that life is not about making plans and sticking to them because there are way too many opportunities/variables/roadblocks that keep presenting themselves. I have made some colossal mistakes, stumbled into periods of contentment, often settled for way less than I deserved, and took some glorious leaps of faith. (sometimes they even worked out!) There wasn't any grand coming-out party for me becoming a grown-up (Ha!) at 35. I just made peace with myself at that point. I accepted that life changes and evolves and that nothing is forever. So - what was that truth - that shift at 35? Actually, it was more of a decision. I don't know how to say it without sounding corny: happiness does not come to you as long as you chase it. I learned that everytime I said "if only this would happen I'd be happy" meant that I was setting up potentially impossible scenarios. Like you mentioned in your entry - X depends on Y, et cetera. Am I always happy and content now? Usually, but not always. Am I always in control? Hell, no! Do I no longer allow others to take advantage of me? Alas - not the case.
But I have learned to Accept, Allow, Laugh, and Forgive. I recognize more readily and accept the gifts that life brings to me. I allow myself and others to be flawed. I laugh at the humorous, the irreverent, and the absurd. Most of all, I forgive myself and those around me.
Shampoo. Rinse. Repeat. Every damn day. A conscious choice, a decision, that eventually, hopefully becomes second nature.
An aside: I read the other day that this certain "life coach" recommends displaying a picture of yourself as a teenager where you can see it every day as a reminder of all the possibilities you once held for your life. Wow. I have to think about that one.
Anyway, my dear, my unsolicited advice to to you is to hang on and try to enjoy the ride for now. If you can't enjoy it, you will probably get used to it. If you can't get used to it, then, by all means, throw a grand mal hissy fit and change direction!
This move is one of those giant leaps of faith. It will propel you forward. You will learn more about yourself, no matter how it turns out. Nothing - I mean NOTHING - has happened yet that can't be undone, changed, or transmogrified.
OK, I need to get to bed and try to shake off this green tea-induced insomnia. I have to get up in a couple of hours, gird my loins, and go to work.
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