Today was a day that I had many thoughts of how to fill. However, the idea of filling up the day and being productive or whatever didn't win out. Since I am living in Japan and my friends and family are all 13 hours behind me, mornings are usually the only time that I can make those vital connections. Yes, I could have gone to see my doctor for a prescription refill that is not especially dire at the moment on his Thursday in the office. But, I wanted to call a friend, and so I did.
Life is not always planned or scripted. Yes, we all have things that need to be done and even jobs (gasp!) that require us to show up at certain times and to be available to only them. I often spend far too much time trying to make life efficient or figuring out the best schedule to accomplish many things in the least amount of time or mileage. For all that time spent, I have yet to ever feel that I've really mastered it.
Recently I was talking with a mom from playgroup, and she was asking me about how much I worked and when. I confessed that I often worried about the timing and how E misses out on naps on those days and we end up in tears and screams while I'm trying to get dinner ready. Between that and thinking about preschool starting next year, I often wonder if I've done/am doing the right thing. She told me that like her, I think too much. Now, while things could have gone downhill quickly, and I could have uttered that oft fatigued phrase, "You don't know me!", you can't deny it.
I often wonder if a study could be performed on my DNA, how much more closely related I am to cows than the average human. Something in my ruminations absolutely feels bovine at times. The ability to stand and stare while chewing on something over and over, or alternately in my case- sit and stare- gives me pause. Some people I admire for their ability to get stuff done. And by stuff, I mean, it seems that they can cram an entire week's worth of life in one day. I, on the other hand, am feeling pretty impressed that I had a phone call, laundry, and have aired out the futons today. I took E to the agricultural center where we took along some sandwiches for lunch and checked out some animals. As I type, E is napping and I've got curry on the stove for tonight's dinner. And, I want to say, "See! I'm not such a loser! Yes, I spent far too much time wondering how to use up lots of veggies and am wondering what to make for tomorrow night's dinner, but hey, I'm functioning!" I was able to break out of my ruminations long enough to MOVE and do something, anything.
So, yes, I do think too much. I am thinking about the resume I updated last night and the cover letter I drafted. Yet another painful task for me to see my paltry set of experiences pasted on a standard size of paper, wondering if I can sell myself to someone having an off day. I think there must be a place for me....somewhere. But, despite my hesitations, reservations, and ruminations, I was able to experience the wonder of newly hatched chicks at the agricultural center and tried to impart some of that wonder to my daughter. Watching the chicks- wet, eyes closed, and stumbling- it was peaceful. Other eggs on exhibit showed signs of their inhabitant's efforts to get on with their living. I peered in close to watch an egg with a small hole begin to futher deteriorate as its shell was being outgrown. E can't have the patience to stay around and watch the progress, but I flung a small wish heavenward hoping that the chick would be strong enough to endure that process and then the beaks of it's roommates in the bin.
Rumination replaced by wonder, if only for a short time....it was a good day.