On the emotional gerbil wheel...
Seeing as how I post so frequently here, I took a minute to look at my last posts: one for this year and one late last year. The one written for late last year is indicative of the place I find myself in yet again.
Insert the deep sigh that is best performed by mothers who do not wish to verbalize their disappointment or dissatisfaction but yet make it known nevertheless.
One would think that at the ripe age of 35 one would sort of have some things figured out, squared away, settled. Not me, I'm on the rent to own plan. I prefer debilitating analysis rather than the humble acceptance that I am a mortal--a broken human being who puts on a brave face to make things right for everyone else. And, when things cannot look okay or I feel I can't find that silver lining, well, it's time to hunker down.
Last week I went to my routine doctor's visit to have my prescriptions renewed and thought as I was walking along, "When you know what to do to make yourself feel better, why don't you do it? Why don't you take better care of yourself instead of pushing yourself?" When I relayed this to my doctor, he pronounced me erai. Erai in this sense is sort of a phrase meaning "great, or capable of doing many things".
While it's nice to be praised, it does not sit well when you do not believe it about yourself. I have been trying to figure out when this started, and I can't pinpoint it. I was disappointed when I turned 16 and then 17 because I hadn't "accomplished" more. (Roy, can you hook me up with the end quotes?) All the faults, mistakes, and not being able to answer email in a reasonable time because I can't get my shit together because I need to have happy shining stories to make everyone okay, it just wears on me. I guess I'm an average human.
Apartment's a mess, but I did manage to start packing away winter clothes yesterday. I did get some things mailed off and picked up at the post office. I grocery shopped, got a crockpot going for dinner, and even made E's dinner that she ate at daycare this evening when I dropped her off at 1:30. She fell asleep on the way home so I've been eating, cleaning out the inbox, and generally mulling over the current state of affairs.
Let's go to the house, boys.
posted by bethyl @ 11:19 PM
4 Comments:
Yeah, I vote not being so hard on yourself. That's what I say.
Yeah, I would agree. I seem to live on a steady diet of foot in my mouth, but I'm trying to just get on with living.
Pretty lame and a huge waste of energy to worry about all this stuff. I'm realizing of late how very vulnerable I feel at times. Like one wrong word and I could have no one left to talk to, and I realize that's an oversimplification of things (I hope), but it's been quite staggering.
Here's hoping that I can keep a bit of balance in my head and not get so stuck!
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