Pain.

Today I had the opportunity or shame, however you wish to look at it, to see a friend in turmoil. As the leader of a group that we attend weekly, she is responsible for reserving facilities for us to use throughout the year. To mark this season, there was a Halloween party today for all of our kiddies.

When I arrived, there were many people gathered around the reception counter. I thought they were just getting the key or details what have you, but in fact, it seemed as though there was no reservation for us. How to have a party without a facility? And how to contact all the members of our group within an hour if this can't be fixed?

I watched my friend. I watched others try to soothe her, but she was not going to be comforted.

"I don't understand. I just really don't get it. I know that we made a reservation with them. I was standing right there when my husband was on the phone with them. I know we couldn't have made that big a mistake, and they say the name we're giving them for a contact name doesn't even work here."

I understood the ground on which she was standing: It was shaky ground the world she was crafting for herself that allowed no room for things to go wrong. She worked hard to be at a good weight. She worked hard at doing her best at work. She worked hard to be a good housewife. She worked hard at being a good mother. She worked hard at making things PERFECT. All of that work that she had put into something to make it up to her standards was slowly dissolving before her, and she could do nothing.

It was out of embarrassment, for her and also for myself, that I offered something resembling nothing. I could so easily relate to what she felt, and I also felt embarrassed that I had been the star of my own dramatic comedy.

Even as I write this, I feel the urge to put my fingers in my ears and say, "La la la, I'm not listening," as I try to keep those feelings of both disappointment, embarrassment, and inadequacy at bay. Much like when you walk alone at night and those feelings of fear begin to encroach, you find yourself talking out loud to keep the boogeyman away.

I hope that her monsters don't disable her. I hope that I can find a way to appease my own.