Anti-climatic.

So, Friday was the most recent round for the driver's license test. I had 2 lessons the Saturday before, though I had sworn I would not take driving lessons. The lessons were helpful in that they tell you exactly what is necessary to pass the test, or at least if you have a good instructor. I was left a little bemused though when my instructor, an expert (?) in the legalities of driving, was critiquing my driving and said, "If you had a baby between your legs while you're driving..."

Thinking that this might be something to slip me up, I quickly countered in Japanese that I thought the baby would be in the back seat in their approved safety seat.

"Well, anyway, " he continued, "if you had a baby between your legs, and you were turning at the rate of speed you were turning, the baby would hit their head. It's dangerous, yes? A baby is important, yes?"

All righty then. Note taken. Slow down and make sharp slow turns when I need to turn.

F went with me on Friday, and he kept giving me his own brand of pep talk from a familiar children's book that E has been reading a lot of late. "I think you can. I think you can. I think you can." He was stressing me out by trying to relax me. So, I was number 4 in line with about 15 people taking our test on Friday. Tester #3, I observed the last leg of her test as I needed to go queue up and be ready to hop in. I noticed her uncrisp turn, her stopping in the middle of the lane rather than teetering on the edge of the left gutter at the stop sign and thought there'd be no good news in Mudville for her. Yes, indeed, she was given the length of lecture that I had enjoyed 2 tests prior. I felt sad for her and couldn't make eye contact with her as she exited the car as I felt a little embarrassed for her as well.

So, my turn, turns made with blinkers blazing, lanes shifted with appropriate mirror checks, crank turn completed with no tires hitting the curb, accelerated to 50 km/hr in the fast lane only to brake sharply to change lanes before a right hand turn, man this was going fast. I was nearing the end of the test and thought that perhaps I had not been precise enough. There was no comment, little writing, what would the verdict be? I pull into the parking space and F is at the passenger side window to translate the instructions and criticisms.







"She completed all the technical elements."

Thank yous were exhanged, a high 5 was enjoyed by me. But, we had to wait until 12:45 to get the official word. It was only 10:10 then. So we came back after a bit of errands and lunch, and enjoyed the official news for only a moment when we were rushed into another room and instructed to go downstairs and pay the fee for a license and come directly back and take our seat on a certain sofa.

While I did not expect confetti, hardy handshakes or a slap on the back, I expected something. The 3 Brazilians who joined me in the winners' circle that day (yes only 4 out of 15 of us passed) were sharing hugs and some were a bit teary eyed....if only I could have joined their camraderie! Maybe some ping pong balls from Captain Kangaroo raining down on me, Ms. Moose, would have at least been somewhat appropriate.

Behind.

So, this was the view from our camping a couple weekends ago. I went for a short walk after our trip to the store to requisition meals for the evening. It had been threatening rain, and it came as promised later at night and continued throughout the next morning. We eventually packed up, enjoyed some same sex public nudity at the hot spring spa, and drove home. Well, I rode and dozed, so it was an especially good time for me.

Lately my life has become a schedule of events which has left me wanting to toss in the towel that I just was given. I am trying to keep in mind that multi-tasking is not all it's cracked up to be. Our friends with XY chromosomes, though I fault them for not being able to focus on more than one thing at a time, may have a better coping strategy. Simply focus on what you're doing, and don't think about all the other stuff that needs doing. I've returned to making lists so that I keep track of what I need to do. Now, I just have to keep track of the lists!

Today I got my first pay stub in the mail, and there is something about making your own money that cannot be beat. While it was only for 4 mornings of work, it was still a tidy enough sum for me to feel proud of myself. I wonder at times about working more, but I also worry about leaving E in daycare more than she is now. I guess lots of people don't have options and they simply work to live and can't afford the luxury of thinking about whether or not they should work more. No complaining.

Well, it's off for story time and hopefully bedtime soon.

Haiku

Farewell gift to friend
Postcard paper, printer jammed
Irretrievable.

I got nothing.

That seems to be the phrase that my friend and I use when there's really nothing to report, but we're just calling because well we want to make contact with one another. We can carry on about catching up on the latest news or happenings, then it's a bit of silence, and "I got nothing."

I feel like that's where I am at the moment. I've had little energy this week, and I'm not sure why. I've had a sore tongue (how's that for precise?) and a low grade disastisfaction with things along with a slight fever. I'm trying to "gaman", as my countrymen would say. What is that exactly? Endure? Suffer in silence?

I have work tomorrow and hope to be having some variety of Mexican inspired dinner because I have taco shells to use before they go completely stale. Beyond that, Friday is a coffee morning with friends which may lead to lunch at an Indonesian place. F has a nomikai, a drinking outing, to either welcome or bid farewell to someone in his department. At this point, I don't remember and it's irrelevant.

He's been working later this week. While in theory, I don't necessarily object and realize it's a part of life, I also need a break from a small person on occasion. Last night in the tub we were repeating, "Mental Mommy" or a variety thereof. "Mommy is mental." "Mental Mommy" "Mommy needs a break before she becomes mental." Later E announced that she needed a break as well. Duly noted.

I think I should hit the hay. I did a rough edit for the next journal that is coming out next month and think I did okay. Maybe I should re-read the guidelines and browse through it again tomorrow on my trip into work. We'll see how it goes. I got nothing.

Can I not get a break?

Today I went to the local international center, queuing up to be interviewed for Japanese lessons. I explained that I didn't know what my level would be for conversation, so they urged me to start just above basic, and see where it went from there.

So, I interviewed in level one, and they felt I could do level two. I interviewed for level two, and they felt I'd be bored. So, they recommended Conversation Salon which doesn't follow a text but might be challenging for me. I said that if I couldn't get a place in conversation, I wanted to try for kanji--the Chinese descended writing system. While waiting in line for the Conversation Salon interview, I asked F about whether there'd be time to test for kanji. Off he went in search of the answer, and they said that I should wait where I was. If there were any spaces left over, I could try to enter the class then.

Interviews conducted by 12 and we were instructed to come back at 1, but it looked as though there were too many people applying to enter all the classes. Upstairs at 1, and we're all gathered around and a lottery will determine if we have a space in the class. The lottery is that we write our names on a line which has been covered at the bottom so that we don't know if the line we're signing will give us a spot or not. So, yours truly did not sign a line with this special designation. Okay. Well, there's 3 spots left in the class, so all the rest of us who were previously unlucky can now do "Rock, Paper, Scissors" for a spot. I went down in the first round. And, the kanji class is all full up too, so no studying there either.

(Insert appropriate expletive here.) In addition to Japanese, I think I will be studying strategy for my rock, paper, scissors comeback.

The Score.

Driver's License Bureau- 3
Me- 0

Next match is scheduled for the end of September.

I did however meet a cute Paraguayan to help me pass the time and a few laughs. I also shared some laughs with a Brazilian woman in Japanese as she wasn't confident in English, and well, I speak no Portuguese. So, a good time had by all, except for that important bit about needing a drivers license by the end of December.

Typhoon Fitow has passed, but wait there's more!

Today, the weekend no less, was not a complete bust. However on the marital bliss front, the typhoon has yet to pass. How does one see the best in their spouse at all times or even some of the times? I see good, but it's never good enough. Sigh. I guess that's me. After F took E to a sporting goods store to get supplies for our camping trip next weekend, I went out for a long walk.

I walked with no real thought in mind of where I'd end up though wasn't prepared to go too far off my usual beat. I brought along 1000 yen for drinks or whatever I wanted and my alien card in case a policeman had nothing better to do than to ask me for my ID. I also brought along my mobile phone to watch when aforementioned spouse would notice that I had not returned by the time he got home.

I walked to the river, which is a bit of a misnomer I feel, but it is called a river. And so for the sake of the story, a river it is. I walked my usual route, seeing people walking along with their dogs or loved ones, as I plod out a solitary track. I walked to the end of my course and sat down to watch the water go over the falls. I sat there stewing in my juices thinking up witty one-liners that would cut a native English speaker down to size. Having to either look in the dictionary to translate what I said or the tone of what I said, well, I felt it would cause a certain something to be lost.

As I sat there silently stewing, I also watched a couple carp on the edge of the short fall there swimming around and generally showing how strong they were that they could swim against the current. Now, while there's probably a sermon in there, I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about what I could learn from this situation; afterall it's always F's fault. Why should I waste time thinking about my contribution?

I sat there a while and then decided to start towards home. Somewhere in my thoughts, I decided to turn off my phone and not watch for that moment when "Oh yes, he'll be sorry." I walked and walked and thought about what else I could say to make my case crystal clear. I dodged bicycles, old women walking home from the store together with their purchases on their arms or on their carts, an occasional child blocking the sidewalk.

On my way up the steep hill that marks my ascent to home, I decided to stop at the park and turn on my phone. There was a message. I sat on the concrete wall a few minutes, savoring the power. Oh yes, he would be sorry. I called my voicemail and what did I hear? A rather chipper message from F asking where I was and when I thought I'd be home and to call him when I had time. I hesitated a moment. Where's the groveling? Where's the sheer terror in his voice? Shouldn't the message have been, "You will be coming home, won't you?" Where was the remorse?

Well, it's probably gone the way of my kindness. For many years, I thought I was quite kind and considerate. I now feel that it didn't get me any more consideration than I get now, so why bother? Yes, why bother, I say to myself righteously? Because without kindness and consideration, where would the world be? Would we be any different from animals? I don't know.

So, upon my arrival, I was welcomed back into the fold of my family. I grunted a mere acknowledgment that another adult human was in the room speaking in my general direction. Beyond that, I did nothing.

"I know you're frustrated."

And so that sits in the air because I can't deny it, but I also can't make him understand. I'm sure later there will be some kind of reconnaissance to see which way the wind is blowing.

Fare thee well.

Tired.

First week at a job, which actually seems to be a pretty good job, and I'm feeling a little tired. I can't seem to get on top of my schedule, the house, the groceries, etc. I seem to be running from one thing to the next. And, I know it all seems laughable in that I'm not working much. My life even before a job just ran better if I had lists, could locate the list, and could shop from the list, etc. Notice a pattern?

Today was our first day at playgroup since summer break. Everyone wanted to catch up with everyone else, and I felt a bit chaotic. Trying to corral kids to move on to the next task, moms wanting to catch up on summer stories, and I'm wondering if I might be a bit too sensitive to sound. Or I'm a hopeless hermit forced to live in a world of people? Though my actions may be feral at times, I promise that I have been taken out into the world and allowed to socialize (mainstream, some of you may say) with the rest of the homo sapiens. (She said homo)

F is headed to Tokyo tomorrow for a meeting. Nothing particularly noteworthy about that, though he's wondering if he'll be home tomorrow night. A typhoon could be making landfall between Shizuoka and Tokyo, and train service could be affected. Our area may experience rain, so E might not be able to play outside tomorrow at daycare.

Daycare...all is going well. A friend is entering her daughter into the daycare we go to tomorrow. We had a chat tonight, and I can understand the trepidation over sending your child into the arms of strangers. Maybe I'm not such a good mom, as I did look forward to sending her. Or maybe in some ways, I was a good mom in realizing my limits and knowing that I needed some help. A bit of downtime was needed at the beginning in order to get me back into balance and feeling like I wasn't circling the drain. These days E runs inside, says her greetings, hands her notebook to the head teacher for messages between home and there, and doesn't give me a backwards glance. While I do like baby hugs and kisses, I prefer that to the other option.

I've been thinking about getting more involved in life and organizations here. My problem is that I tend to go overboard. I can't go back to work, agree to be the treasurer for our playgroup, and consider getting more involved at church. I have to also be analyzing the possibility of arranging a family camp for friends next month before making a formal announcement, the wisdom of filling a position that's going to be effectively vacated in less than 10 days with the same organization, or possibly taking on a more national role come next April. All this while I'm on several email message groups, taking a very small role in planning a convention for next February, and trying to make myself friend-worthy while neglecting to send emails to long time friends. Conflicted? Doesn't make a lot of sense to me either.

Friday, I dread Friday. I have my third chance at passing or failing the practical driving test to get my Japanese license. I'm not sure if I'm hoping for a brand new proctor this time or the older gentleman I tested with the first time. The second time, while I did not feel particularly embarrassed or bothered by it, I was given a nice dressing down. Maybe if I had cried or shown some type of remorse over my mistakes of not staying left enough or my turns not being tight enough, maybe I would have passed. "You didn't even do the basic things. Do you understand? You didn't do the basic things. Got it?" So this time, I will be counting the 3 seconds that it should take me between the time I turn on my signal and when I start a lane change. I will crawl slowly through the course to make sure that no scooter will fit between me and the left side of the lane. I will make a wide right turn in order to ensure that it appears as though I'm about to drive up on the curb before whipping the car into the lane. And, if I do all these things, perhaps I will not hit the bicyclist who is text messaging as he rides down the sidewalk while I'm attempting to pull out of the parking lot. Perhaps.

Farewells and new beginnings.

Sunday was spent saying farewell to a friend who is moving back to America. She was selling as much as she could, so we got to look at her wares. It felt sort of wrong, like you could have been discussing who was going to get what item of the not yet deceased person lying conscious in the hospital bed or what outfit you wanted to bury them in. But, ain't nothing wrong with a heavy duty Kitchen Aid mixer or jogging stroller. Don't let your conscience screw you out of good deals.


E was able to see her favorite baby today. Baby C is such a sweetie, so cute and so content. And, I can't resist sweet baby love! Being a mere 3 months old, I still consider her a new beginning. Kissing her cheek, nuzzling her head, and all around enjoying a baby while rested. I don't feel that I enjoyed E much at that time with the lack of sleep.

It looks like they're plotting some mischief. Actually E was saying, "Baby C, look at Daddy."